emotional eating....and pass the Doritos...

You know what I'm talking about, don't ya? Crappy day, everything weighing on you (no pun intended) and you're looking for a little bit of happiness....Sometimes, your emotions will convince you that you'll find that happiness at the bottom of an empty bag of Doritos.....

Not true. But it's more common than we realize. Ever been angry or upset one minute and then on your couch eating the next, unable to remember why you started eating or how long you had spent munching? If so, then you have entered the world of emotional eating.

Emotional eating at its best passes after a few minutes. At its worst, it can take over your life and cause you to eat uncontrollably for extended periods of time. And according to nutritional experts, 75% of overeating is caused by emotions. So don't worry, if you suffer from emotional eating, you are not alone.

I've had some stress this weekend...probably the same crap that happens in your house. Fighting kids, husband working late, no one emptied the dishwasher, my jeans won't zip......the list is truly endless....While I was pacing in my kitchen, after unloading the stupid dishwasher, I found myself just opening up cabinets and seeing what was there...

I was about to engage in emotional eating...BIG TIME...Because you know what I found? Doritos....they are my Kryptonite. Just popping open that bag and smelling that processed, chemical-laden fake cheese smell makes my mouth water (seriously, I'm drooling while typing this, 2 days after it happened......sheesh!)

But my health angel that lives in my head was SCREAMING, "Don't do it, CHW!!" So I resisted. It felt good resisting. But I am so weak that I had to take those damn Doritos out to the big stinky trashcan so I wouldn't be tempted again....

What's your trigger....? Anything is my trigger. Traffic...? Pull into Wendy's for some fries. Husband working late? Ice Cream while watching DVR'ed "Grey's Anatomy"....Kids arguing..? Just eat anything to make it stop.

But then at the end of that, I feel like puking. Really. Then I get a headache and ponder why I sabotage my efforts. This weekend, I resisted. But let's face it: I am weak. And often pathetic. I knew that it was only a matter of time before I buckle, so I gave myself an "out". Offering myself an alternative, like that Breyer's Fat Free Chocolate Brownie ice cream. It's 110 for 1/2 cup. I can make a 1/2 cup serving last a LONG damn time. So I decided I'm going to allow myself to have one ice cream nice each week...and you know what happened? When I gave myself permission, it lost its allure.

I am a woman. And I am a walking emotion....This is true.
Doritos are evil, this is also true.....well, that's not true. I'm just weak.

Also, the "experts" say that when you're struck with a craving or an emotional-eating crisis, that you should drink a glass of water. Really.....? I do that anyway, but nothing will remove the Doritos jones with an ice cream chaser........

Bee the change

A gym-rat friend gave me a card that says "Bee the change you want to see in the world".
I know she meant well and she's scary perky sweet (if you know the type, 0% body fat, perfect teeth, flawless skin....) but I was consumed with jealousy.....I admit it, here with the protection of anonymity. I was jealous that she thought she was better than me.

I indulged the ugly side of myself. And I immediately felt bad. Here she was, reaching out and being supportive, and I was suspicious. For no good reason.....

So I learned a lesson, and I truly feel like God put that in my heart.
I will no longer indulge the catty, bitchy, suspicious side that defeats me.
I will not. I will let it go. I will trust. I will believe.
I believe in myself. I believe my health is worth this effort.
I will trust myself, to make good choices in life (and in food).
I WILL.....be the change I want to see.

(ok, sap alert over...back to your regular programming.....)

#42

It's my 42nd post on this blog.
This is only meaningful because I am still here alone. No real readers, comments. It's just me and my insane whining...
My mom used to tell me that character is what you do when no one is look. I suppose I could change that to "accountability is what you do when no one is reading...."
Nonetheless, I soldier on. You know why? Because whether you read or not, I'm still doing this. With or without you, I'm here.

So it's early Saturday morning, the Husband had to work out of town so my sleep is outta whack. Amazingly, I slept well last night but had weird dreams. So I'm up early. Researching stuff for fitness routines. Wowie zowie....I have a lot to learn.

First thing I did this morning when I got up was DRINK MY WATER. I tend to grab a cup of tea and read the news online. But I need to step up my water, so I'm keeping a checklist today :)
I'm going to consistently hit my WATER GOAL for the next week. I've been so lax about it. No more excuses means NO MORE EXCUSES. Plus I'm extra motivated because I have an Official Weigh-In AND my measurements. crap!!!!! I'm more nervous about that stupid measuring tape than about anything. I looked at my measurements from before and I just wanted to barf. And I know that they are not much different, and I'm going to end up very depressed. My trainer, bless his little muscular heart, keeps telling me, "You're stronger...I see muscles." Yeah, whatever...

But you know what I wanna see? I'll admit it, I'm vain. I want to see a smaller freaking number on that scale. I want to look amazing. I want my husband to be thrilled to seen with me....that, and I want to be healthy. Truthfully, my improved health is my main goal. But damn it all if that hotness wouldn't make things much better.....

Oh you know what else....? I bought some weights for home. Little adorable 10# weights so while I'm standing in front of my TV, watching sitcoms, I'm going to go through the routines that my Trainer showed me. Plus I'm doing 50 push-ups EACH DAY, I can't do them all at the same time. I break them up into 10's....but I am trying to do them every day. In all of my reading says a simple well-done push-up works your ENTIRE core. Plus I increase the difficulty by holding my abs really tight. VERY hard. But I'm on a mission for my health (and any hotness that I can grab..)

no excuses

I didn't do my weigh-in yet....you know why...? Because I was stupid and ate CHINESE FOOD last night.... we were celebrating one of my kids' accomplishments. Any excuses to eat food I'm not supposed to....And now the husband is out of town and I'm home alone....with the contents of my fridge...luckily, he ate ALL of the Girl Scout cookies. I'm proud of the fact that out of 3 boxes, I only ate 5 cookies total. We'll not discuss the fact that while those cookies were in my freezer, I had almost nightly semi-erotic dreams of cookies in general. It's obvious that I cannot be trusted around snack items like those....

But I'm staying strong (except for last night's Chinese indiscretion...)....I'm going to be good. AND I'm going to do my weigh-in, like I promised.

I didn't get to run last night...because of the previously mentioned celebration. But tonight...? Game on.

I have a grueling work schedule today. I'll be very busy and will have a hard time carving out my work-out time. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to do a home workout. The kind where you don't need equipment. Just 20 minutes and some floor space. I got the workout from that website that I like so much:Badass Fitness (I'll be doing T-pushups..yikes!)

I was so inspired by her site that I finally broke down and bought my very own 10# weights to use at home. I have the 3# already. I'm going to amass my own little home gym so that when we move, I can work out when *I* have time....no excuses....

wow...a step back

it's been almost 3 weeks since I've posted.
I feel like I'm talking to myself, but I'm good with that.
But the keeping it a secret has been TOUGH.

I've still been working out, trying to eat healthy, and staying the course.
I feel strong but not losing the weight I want to lose.
I still weigh the same as I did when I did the weigh in....damn it.

So I'm trying something completely different.
In addition to my weight and strength training, I'm going to run every night.
Which terrifies me. All of my fat giggling and bouncing....Not what I want to do, but I gotta shake things up!! This is a big deal because it will mean double the workout, plus it will mean taking time away from my family. I am willing to be a little selfish for my own health. Do you know any women, probably your own momma, who puts herself last? Yeah, me too.
Well, that putting myself last is keeping me unhealthy. So no more.

Me first. Gotta make others stand on their own two feet. Don't just SAY you're supportive. Show it by emptying this dishwasher and fixing your own snacks/meals so I can concentrate on me for a bit. (Can you tell it's also THAT time of the month...? Yep I'm a little emotional/bitchy/demanding....)

I made some decisions in these past 3 weeks.
Gained some perspective.
I stepped back, and now I'm stepping back in with both feet.
Watch out, fat. You ain't gonna last against this determination. Just you wait and see.
As soon as I get back from the gym, I'll weigh in so I can track this better. Plus my trainer is going to do my Body Fat today. Yippee.

(I'm also going to have to tell my husband. Finding time to update this in secret is impossible. Plus I really don't like hiding stuff from him....)

turning a corner...

I took the weekend off. I hung out with some friends.
We ate like pigs, slept late, had some shopping time and ate some more...
I even went to one of my favorite Italian chains and ate an entire basket of bread....It was sooooo tasty. But as I was eating it, I was mentally calculating how much treadmill/elliptical time I would have to do....

But still, I ate it....

and it felt gooooooood. I did NOT drink any alcohol though :)

That being said, I took two whole days off of my workout routine. As a result, I missed it. I mean I MISSED IT. As in, I'm walking around the stores, looking at clothes that I couldn't fit into, and was thinking, "I should be in the gym..."

So I was back in the gym yesterday and today....and I felt much better sweating than I did shopping. Seriously.

And you know what's even better than a weekend off?
Coming home to your husband who missed you :) ----he even told me that he could tell that I was losing weight, especially in my face :-)--and that wasn't even getting-lucky-flattery!

Am I losing weight? I don't think so. But I am so much stronger now that I was before...
I would REALLY like to see my flabby belly just disappear. Like completely. And instantly.
But you know that ain't gonna happen....Permanent changes require, demand, lifestyle changes. And that's what I'm doing. I'm changing how I think, how I eat (this weekend not withstanding...) and how I exercise....

So mentally, I feel like I've turned a corner. I feel like I'm stronger, both physically and mentally. I wanted to see a number shift on that scale this week. My trainer is going to measure me next week. I'm nervous about that. But today, he made my day. I raised my flouncy t-shirt that I use to hide my fat from public viewing (as if that damn shirt will convince ANYONE that I am not the Chubster that I am...Ha!) well, I lifted my shirt and showed him how I "felt" skinnier and he gasped and said, "YOU ARE!" I could tell he was surprised. That made me feel good, because he saw me the very first time I came into the gym, soft as a marshmallow and wincing from lifting my own fat arms. Seriously! The first session included doing flies with just my arms, no weights, and I was SO sore the following day. From lifting my own fat arms. Now? I can do so much more! Plus my arms are toning up!! (It's REALLY hard to admit that....)

My goals are the same: to be healthier. Skinnier would be nice, but not the end goal. But it wouldn't be awful if I ended up looking like that Hot Wife that other women just hate :)
You ladies know what I'm talking about....

Now, I'm thinking about going to the gym again tonight....but I can't, it's "Biggest Loser" night in our house, which we watch as a family. Every week, I am inspired by these people. They're REAL and I love that show. I am so lucky that my husband will watch it with me.

Tomorrow: extended cardio AND my own personal weigh-in. Maybe I'll do another photo. The visual really speaks to me. Usually it says "Eeeewwww gross." But I'm trying to look at how much I'm CHANGING.....(I hate the word "change" now since it was hijacked...but don't get me started!)

...oh yeah......

I unleashed the ninja...with my trainer's help.
I talked to him today. And I confessed that I wasn't seeing results and I was not pleased. And that I wanted to see SOMETHING......so we switched things up.
I worked out really hard. REALLY.....
If I can do this every day, I will see results.
I'm so excited. I can feel change coming my way!!
I'm also going to buy a pair of those Reebok Easy Tones.....I need any edge I can get!

Oh...and I'm going to start running....in spurts, build up to ACTUAL running. I'm pushing my endurance.

whine and cheese

It's true.....I would be as skinny as a freakin' rail....
I was thinking about my fat today as I squeezed it into my stretchy workout pants.
Don't get me wrong: I love that my pants are stretchy, but I wish they didn't have to be, you know? But I was thinking about my fat (of course I was....) and I was thinking, "WHY am I fat? I don't even LIKE half of the stuff that fat people like??!!"

Like cheese, or sour cream, or cream cheese....
See my theme here? I don't even like cheese and somehow I found a way to stay fat.

I went to the gym today. I worked really hard. REALLY hard. I was sweating....a lot.
I just am not seeing any results. I'm working and my body is holding onto this damn fat!
But I am not giving up. Even though I would love to. I wold love to dive head-first into a bucket of ice cream from ColdStone Creamery. I had a dream about their ice cream the other night. It bordered on erotic.....

So I keep on keeping on. That's all I can do. My friend says "You just wait. That weight is going to start falling off...Just wait." It took every ounce of my considerable restraint to choke her Size 4 yapper.....She's lucky to be alive. I pray that she's right though.

I did step it up today. I lifted heavier weights. I ran for a little while (3 minutes, I got to winded)...I'm trying....I really am....

I won't quit. I won't. Even though I want to.
More later. I might just hit the gym again....

I am not alone

It might be random (probably is) but SOMEONE other than me stopped by my blog the other day....TWO people....OH MY GOSH...if you're here, please say hello so I know that the Stat Counter isn't just taking pity on me....

It's weird...I know someone read all of this....makes it more real...

Didn't weigh in today. Just don't feel like it.
Had a big ugly asthma attack last night. I hate my asthma. My stupid doctor says, "You really need to be careful about exerting yourself..." and in the next breath says, "Your asthma would be better if you dropped 20#.."

Really.......? And the DumbAss Award goes to the Chubby Housewife's Know-IT-All doctor...

Today....I ate mildly and exercised. I worked out as hard and my aching lungs would allow me. Fucking asthma.....Which do I hate more: my fat or my asthma? Today, my asthma...it HURTS me...

I know I'm whining because look at this:

She has kids, asthma AND freakin' Gold Medals......

One thing's for certain: I will NEVER look like that. But it irks me: She's OLDER than me and she looks astonishingly in shape. I should hang this on my fridge....

Even though I've been to the gym already today, I'm doing a Home Workout today, too. Even though my scale told me to piss off, I'm not giving up. That would be too easy.

...SCREW this.....

That is exactly how I felt yesterday..
After ALL of the doing without, sacrificing, resisting, not to mention EXERCISING.....I gained a freaking pound. Not just one pound, but 1.8 pounds.
So yesterday, I said "screw this" and relaxed and ate stuff I wanted.
The pressure release was immediate.
Just proves what my trainer said is true: I'm wound too tight....(which I knew but still....)

Fact:
I'm doing without and not seeing ANY benefit.
And I'm driving myself crazy.....

So for the next 7 days, I'm going to give myself permission to indulge responsibly. You might be thinking, if you could be responsible, you wouldn't be so damn chunky.....YEAH!

But this constant never-ending worry about what I stick in my mouth and what my body's going to do with it is torturing me. So we'll see how the next 7 days goes. If I gain 5#, then I know I'm doomed to forever be The Chubby Housewife. And I don't want that.

I was so mad when I saw that 1.8# gain. I really was....I wanted to scream. I did cuss and scream in my head. Then I cried. I was feeling real emotional. And what happens when we're emotional: we eat for comfort. I'll admit, I made mashed potatoes and gravy last night. I ate a respectable portion. Nothing that would scare people, but man, did those potatoes taste gooooooood.

Today holds another trainer session. I feel like I'm just wasting money. Nothing is working. Except for me: I'm working. And I want to just give up and eat my way through the ice cream section. I do. But I won't. I'm going to honor my promise to myself and double down and get back to it. I just really want to stick my middle finger at the scale.

I considered telling my husband last night about this blog. This thought occurred to me during sex. (Don't judge. My husband is GREAT in bed but I have ADD and my mind can wander at ANY time...) It was sex-related how the thought popped up. He had his hands in a "no-touch" zone! You know, those places where the fat bunches up? Don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about......I hate that my husband has to censor where he can touch me, because he KNOWS I hate my body. I so want to change that...and THAT is the thought that will get me out of this chair and in the gym. Because I love myself enough to keep trying....

we'll talk about Sex and The Chubby Housewife on another day.....

burtally honest.....(long)

Had a great workout these last 2 days. Deep, sweaty, almost passionate...I know that sounds funny, but I WANT to be passionate about my health. Plus I want to be smokin' hot, and have my husband be passionate about me....I'm a LONG way (as you'll see) from that.....

There were many influences that led to this post....
My gasping yesterday at the gym, sharing my frustrations with my trainer, agreeing to double down and work even harder. And a very weird conversation that led to me getting felt up in the ladies room at my gym. No lie....
Here's how it went down: (and there will be history interjected as we go....)

In the locker room, I was just getting dressed in my street clothes and one of those women walked in. You know the type...? PERFECTLY sculpted legs that beg for a mini skirt, boobs that gravity has not touched, and just...perfect.....I do try and strike up conversations with people, especially when I'm caught staring at their boobs......so I said, "I love your shoes. " They were really cute: they were Nike, and they had some bouncing air technology that was telling me about. She'd gotten them at Nordstom's for $125 on sale.....then it was quiet and I just blurted it out "I wish I had your boobs...they're magnificent..." She looked shocked and sat on the bench next to me (a little close for my taste....but still....) and she looked me deep in the eye and said, "They're fake. I paid $10,000 for them after I survived breast cancer."

Well I instantly felt like shit for thinking she was one of those snobby perfect prissy women....She then told me her story, how she was only 32 when she got her diagnosis, it came during a prenatal visit where she had to decide where she'd carry the baby she and her then husband had been trying for, or if she'd aggressively attack the advanced cancer that they'd found....it came down to her life or the baby. Her marriage dissolved when she chose her own life: the man she loved couldn't handle it and left. So she was left, broken, feeling life half a woman, no boobs, no baby and few options....

Long story short, she fought a good fight, has been cancer free for a number of years. She got new (magnificent) boobs. She's even friends with the ex, who has remarried and is expecting a baby with his new Mrs. I was in tears listening to her. I told her how much I admired her strength. Then she floored me again. She told me that she used to be CHUBBY, too!! I told her of my frustrations and how hard I am working and how I don't see any changes...at least the ones I want....

Well, you could've knocked me over but she said, "Well, you do have a nice ass....." (You must be thinking, that is some wild locker room......and it is. Women TALK in there....) ---I was flattered by her comments, and it made me feel good because about two months ago, my husband was walking behind me and he complimented my butt. That one comment from my husband carried me for MONTHS, I kid you not.....----) So I told the Boob Lady, whose name I do not know, that I was thankful. She surprised me when SHE REACHED OVER AND SQUEEZED MY BUTT...I froze, I didn't know what to do. I literally froze, but she touched me with a clinical sense, showing me where my muscles were becoming more defined. As I stood there, looking in the mirrors that I loathe, with Boob Lady's hand on my ass ---I was wearing underwear, but still....---I could see it. Some muscles. In my BUTT!! I was a little happy at that point.

After all me and Boob Lady shared, we went our separate ways but I will remember her story. We all have struggles. Some bigger than others. But we all struggle.....

But this encounter did inspire me to take some photos. Of my butt. What I DON'T LIKE is my front butt. What is a front butt you ask? It's so common that's even in UrbanDictionary.com:

(noun) An enormous, fatty enlargment of the abdomen, genital, and thigh region that morphs together to create the appearance of a bulbous ass on a persons front.

That's me. Fatty enlargement. Bulbous ass on person's front. Oh man, is that me....A few c-sections severing my muscles has impaired my ability a bit but I am grossed out just looking at these.

This is a BIG leap for me. First you'll see my actual butt, followed by my front butt. I am DETERMINED to lose this shit. Hiding it under t-shirts is one thing. But having a photo ON MY BLOG is another. (scroll down and prepare for grossness.....)---and I hope you're not eating anything....---
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Pictures don't lie.
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not bad. My actual butt is not bad. It can do with some toning but overall, NOT bad.....
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last chance to bail.....
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okay, that hurts just looking at it on the screen. I mean. That's my ABS under there. Until I can lose this chunk, no amount of crunches matter. If I could change ONE thing about myself, it would be this....

Am I inspired to put down that Twinkie? You bet. I am working hard and that means accountable.

I can't believe I just put my Front Butt on the internet. I am insane obviously. But that's why I like anonymity.

Also noteworthy, I have not had a soda of ANY kind in over 2 weeks.....at over 200 calories, the few that I drank save me a POUND a week.....

I'm gonna click pot now before I go back and delete......seeing those pictures I am REALLY glad that my husband loves me no matter what...

...step up....

I haven't been avoiding you.
I've been busy.
Plus it's REALLY hard to hide this from my husband.
I tell him just about everything, and let's face it, my fat ain't no secret...
but this blog is personal. And private.
And I'm vulnerable here, because I blurt things out that just pop into my head....

Why the hair-pulling picture?
I am frustrated.
I have given stuff up completely.
As in CHOCOLATE, and soda, and anything tasty....
And I'm at the gym almost every freakin' day and I am not seeing results that I want.
I am hating life right now. I just want to yell to the Heavens, "Fine, I'll be fat forever...."
But my momma didn't raise a quitter. No sirree.....

So I keep going. Bitching about it nonetheless.
I miss chocolate. I could literally cry just thinking about chocolate.

My weigh-in? I did it. I am still at 169#. Fucking scale.
I hate the scale.

Attitude shift......let me focus for a moment what I *do* like....
I like sleeping better.
I like working out once I'm started.
I like knowing that in a few months, I'll be able to look back and say "Hell Yes, I did it."
Right now, it just sucks...
And I don't want to share all of that just yet.
Maybe when I get famous and skinny.....not!

I worked out with a different trainer yesterday. I fear that I'm getting lax. Because I can wowrk myself out for an hour and it's a good solid workout and I'm all sweaty, but when the trainers work me, I'm dripping with sweat and begging for water. And sore.....My body and my logical brain are telling me what I already know: I gotta step it up.

So I go into this weekend with a different mission: to confuse my muscles and give my routine something new. What I'm doing ain't cuttin' it.....

Day 6

Today will be the 6th day of consistent exercising.
I even did 20 scissor-kicks before going to bed.
Determination...
I even had a weird dream about exercising.
Is it wrong that I want to become obsessed with getting healthy?
I'm doing my weigh in tomorrow, with god-awful photos.
I'm going to photograph what I "lovingly" call my c-section foldover.
It's that section of skin on my body that literally folds over. It's so gross and if I had a giant eraser (or a tummy tuck) it's the ONE thing I would ZAP on my body. My hips? I can live with. But that flap is a total confidence killer.
So what am I gonna do?
I'm gonna show it to you.
What the hell? No one knows me here.....

I am alone...

The Husband Unit is out of town.
The kids are outside playing.
I am ALONE in my house.
I already went to the gym.
5th day straight by the way....
Not that anyone is paying attention.
I am alone.

Alone with my fat.
Can't hide it. In a way, I don't want to anymore.
Sure I want to be rid of it, but I have to own it first....

On that path towards ownership, I have encountered some hiccups.
Things that get in my way: never-ending ceaseless parental responsibilities, the fact that I have to eat & sleep, the fact that I'm human and hopelessly flawed. And my weakness, oh my weaknesses. There are many....
And they are in my way.
I'm having to tell myself "NO"....I'm having to deny myself things that I want.
And I don't want to. I want to taste all the goodness there is. I want literally to EAT IT UP.
And that's why I am fat. Because I didn't deny myself....

So here I am, I'm saying "no".
I'm turning away.
I'm going without....

And in this, I am alone. Everyone around me seems to eating whatever they want.
I resent it, but I have only myself to blame....

Which do I want more? The healthy body or the full tummy?
I want the healthy body, OF COURSE....
But man, I would so love some onion rings, too...

hard.....

1. I searched for a photo for "bloated" and this is EXACTLY how I feel....except for the floating part :)

2. I feel like a quitter. I have done nothing but eat and be a bum these last two weeks. But yesterday, I went to the gym. It felt sooooo good to work out again. So if it feels so good, why am I not more consistent? Who the hell knows?

3. I still haven't weighed in. My period is almost over, so I'll weigh in as soon as it's over. I don't want to weigh in. Because I'm going to be so angry when I see those numbers. I'll be mad about every stupid cookie that I willingly chose to stick in my mouth. I'll be angry that I did this to myself again....And I have to deal with that.

4. Change won't happen unless you want it bad enough.....

5. it's really REALLY hard to keep hiding this blog from my husband. I may have to share it with him. I don't want to.....it's not that I am saying things here that I don't want to share with him. I mean, come on....he knows I'm fat. He sees me, no matter how hard I try to hide...but I don't want to talk about my fat with him....Sure, he's supposed to love me no matter what, but I want him to LOVE me and WANT me. How can he want me when I disgust myself....?

6. I will admit to doing one good thing this week: I've increased my water intake. Substantially....now I just have to keep it up, wherein lies my dilemma....CONSISTENCY...

7. I'm gonna keep trying. Even when I screw up....

moods and foods...

I don't think I am moody anymore...
I honestly think I am depressed.
It's hard to say what is the cause: my hormones (which are all over the place), my weight (which doesn't move), my crushing responsibilities (which never end).
I'm just really blue. I have no motivation. I don't care about anything. Not even food...
I don't usually get like this in the winter.
But I will admit here and nowhere else: I think I'm depressed.

Now what do I do about it?
Well, today is a Snow Day. I live on the (B)East Coast, where they're calling this THE STORM OF THE CENTURY....(they say that every time...cry wolf, anyone?)
So my kids are home, we have a stack of movies and kid-approved snacks.
And I can't go to the gym :(

This actually bums me out even further. I WANTED TO GO TODAY.
So I'm forced to work out at home.
With the kids watching me.
I have a hard time with people watching me.
I don't like an audience.
I have a hard enough time when my abs-of-Steel trainer watches me.....

Man, am I whiny today or what?
Whiny AND depressed and still fat.
I'm a real catch.....

Usually if I am bummed, I will try to bring myself out of it with some sort of comfort food. Not this time. I fixed BACON this morning (which let's be honest, has no nutritive value whatsoever, it just tastes WICKED good.....) and I took one bite and threw it away....

That's what I knew something was wrong.

So why do we have comfort foods? What's yours? Mine is usually bread. I love bread. Which explains my hips.

Speaking of hips, you know what I did yesterday? I was naked (ugh) in front of the mirror and I pulled all my hip fat aside to see what I would like without the fat on them, and underneath the rolls, I have a delicious hourglass figure. Will I ever see it? It depends on how hard I am willing to work. What I am willing to give up.

I gotta shake these blues.....just gotta...

Tomorrow I will weigh in for this blog. No one else is reading it so it's essentially my online diary...

.....ssshhhh...no one knows......

you know why I haven't posted?

Because 1) I am busy,
and 2) it's hard to post to this blog WHEN NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT!!! It's a SECRET....

Since I'm all about the honesty of dealing with my fat ass, I gotta say: I'm not being honest with my husband about this blog.

I want to keep it secret for now, because I really wanna share. Share some stuff that's REALLY hard for me to talk about. I don't have close girlfriends who I can dish the dirt with. I don't have sisters that I like (I have sisters but they're BAD people...)

I haven't been so good lately. Been eating some crappy food (man, I love chinese food...). Not working out every day like I should. I've been to the gym, but not every single day. I WANT to go there. I'm just swamped with life...I'm a Mom, and I have a job. And occasionally I have to sleep.

I don't have my weight to share with you. Mainly because it's THAT week. You know THAT WEEK that being a girl sucks. I have cramps that would kill a grown man. My husband was so grateful to go to the office today :) All I can think is that I want to go get on the treadmill and walk through the pain.

I've been looking at other bloggers, other websites. I like this one best :

Badass Fitness

That woman inspires me. I want that so bad that I actually threw away all the candy in my house today. ALL OF IT. Even that bag of mini Reese's PB cups that I adore...I had a long talk with myself today, while naked in the mirror, and I yelled at myself, "do you want it?" And through tears, I heard myself quietly say "yes."

So I'm in it. It's on, baby. I wanna be a BadAss, too.

Tomorrow, I will share a photo of my FatAss. I don't want to. But I will.
What I will not do is tell anyone about this blog yet. It's my secret weapon. Instead of having a Happy Place (where there is usually a Cold Stone Creamery Like It Size with extra Oreos...), I'm going to have a Secret Place, where honesty and accountability rule.

But let's just keep it between us, eh?

how you act when no one is looking....

I have many people in my life who hold me accountable: mainly my kids. They're like little walking machines of honesty.
I told my daughter that I was trying to eat better and that I want her to point out when I am doing unhealthy things....I'll be damned if she didn't harass me for buying Oreos. Seriously? Yes she did.
That's my girl. Loving someone and holding them accountable matters. I will be accountable for my fat, and that it could cost me my health. What if my doctor said (and he might), "You're taking 10 years off your life because of that tire around your waist."


Accountability.....like when I made that promise the other day to weigh in and then share it with you....Still haven't done it......don't wanna but............

Man, I justified the crap out of NOT doing this...I still don't have my measuring tape (denial and excuses galore..) but I will share my weight with you today.. Every morning, I like to start my day off with a cup of something hot and weigh myself. I do get wrapped up in that stupid lil number, then I spend time berating everything I stuck in my mouth. So long that my cup gets cold....

Enough. No more. Excuses do not burn calories....

I'm 5'2.5" and I weight 168#.
I should weigh something like 135....My goal is 140. That means I need to lose 28#. I am giving myself 6-9 months.

I have been much thinner in my life. Although I would like to be thin again, I am more concerned with my health. Supermodels are cool but do you ever hear about them living until they're 100? Nope. I have a great man and some good kids. I want to be here for a long time.

So what do I want more: a cheeseburger or my life?
Easy question. Tough to do.

I feel like I am talking to myself. But I'm okay with that.

.....denial......

I have excuses. Many of them.
So many of them are so skillful, sometimes I even believe them myself!

In my first post, I promised a weigh-in and measurements....
I haven't done it yet...and I have no good reason.
My "excuse" is that I don't have a soft measuring tape, which I could easily buy at Wal-Mart....

The truth of the matter is that I don't want to see how big I am.
That would make it real....
I don't know if I can handle it. But I'm going to have to face it.
So I'll make another promise: I'll buy that measuring tape within the next 24 hours.

intro and admission

Yep. I am one of the ones who's SWEARING change and better habits in the New Year....
This year WILL be different. I've been working towards this for a while now.


My first step: Admitting I am fat. That's been very hard for me.
I mean, here's how I've handled this.
I've hidden behind baggy shirts.
I blamed the dryer for shrinking my jeans.
I found comfort in food.
My life, at times, was sad and lonely so I found my rewards in homemade bread.
I've cheated my husband out of the confident woman I used to be, who LOVED to be touched.

No more. I need to be honest with myself.
I am not chubby. I was chubby about 20 pounds ago.
Now I am FAT.
But with that, I gotta be truthful.

I hope you'll tag along for this transformation.
If you're here, I won't feel so alone....

tomorrow, I'll weigh in and share photos.
For today, THIS is enough. First steps can be scary....