I am alone...

The Husband Unit is out of town.
The kids are outside playing.
I am ALONE in my house.
I already went to the gym.
5th day straight by the way....
Not that anyone is paying attention.
I am alone.

Alone with my fat.
Can't hide it. In a way, I don't want to anymore.
Sure I want to be rid of it, but I have to own it first....

On that path towards ownership, I have encountered some hiccups.
Things that get in my way: never-ending ceaseless parental responsibilities, the fact that I have to eat & sleep, the fact that I'm human and hopelessly flawed. And my weakness, oh my weaknesses. There are many....
And they are in my way.
I'm having to tell myself "NO"....I'm having to deny myself things that I want.
And I don't want to. I want to taste all the goodness there is. I want literally to EAT IT UP.
And that's why I am fat. Because I didn't deny myself....

So here I am, I'm saying "no".
I'm turning away.
I'm going without....

And in this, I am alone. Everyone around me seems to eating whatever they want.
I resent it, but I have only myself to blame....

Which do I want more? The healthy body or the full tummy?
I want the healthy body, OF COURSE....
But man, I would so love some onion rings, too...

hard.....

1. I searched for a photo for "bloated" and this is EXACTLY how I feel....except for the floating part :)

2. I feel like a quitter. I have done nothing but eat and be a bum these last two weeks. But yesterday, I went to the gym. It felt sooooo good to work out again. So if it feels so good, why am I not more consistent? Who the hell knows?

3. I still haven't weighed in. My period is almost over, so I'll weigh in as soon as it's over. I don't want to weigh in. Because I'm going to be so angry when I see those numbers. I'll be mad about every stupid cookie that I willingly chose to stick in my mouth. I'll be angry that I did this to myself again....And I have to deal with that.

4. Change won't happen unless you want it bad enough.....

5. it's really REALLY hard to keep hiding this blog from my husband. I may have to share it with him. I don't want to.....it's not that I am saying things here that I don't want to share with him. I mean, come on....he knows I'm fat. He sees me, no matter how hard I try to hide...but I don't want to talk about my fat with him....Sure, he's supposed to love me no matter what, but I want him to LOVE me and WANT me. How can he want me when I disgust myself....?

6. I will admit to doing one good thing this week: I've increased my water intake. Substantially....now I just have to keep it up, wherein lies my dilemma....CONSISTENCY...

7. I'm gonna keep trying. Even when I screw up....

damn it.....

I have to lose 20# in two months.
Not the healthiest approach, but I feel so fat, that I hate myself...
I just feel rolls around my middle.
I don't want my husband to touch (even though I still want sex...try and figure THAT out)....

So deny. I need to deny myself.....
Everything.

I am not liking myself right now...

PS I promise to weigh in after my monthly crap is over. I KNOW I GAINED A TON :(