damn it.....

I have to lose 20# in two months.
Not the healthiest approach, but I feel so fat, that I hate myself...
I just feel rolls around my middle.
I don't want my husband to touch (even though I still want sex...try and figure THAT out)....

So deny. I need to deny myself.....
Everything.

I am not liking myself right now...

PS I promise to weigh in after my monthly crap is over. I KNOW I GAINED A TON :(

shame...

The black clouds seem to be lifting..
I feel shame for squandering this brief respite from the constant barrage of responsibilities.
Being stuck in the house, with limited cooking options (no grill), I'd bet I packed on an additional 4#....bread and pasta=harder work for me. My car is buried under snow that *I* cannot move. So I can't get to the gym :( ----about which to be honest, I'm bummed. I actually WANTED to exercise.

So as soon the clouds AND the snow lift a bit more, I'm re-dedicating myself....

so blue......

I really am depressed.
All I've done for two days is cry. And eat.
And nothing soothes me.

Did I mention that I am trapped in my house due to the snow?
Husband is out of town till mid-week and my drive has like 4" of snow in it.
Seriously. FOUR FEET.
That's taller than my kids, who are tickled about the snow.

I am just sad. And blue. And crying. And hungry.

And did my shitty neighbor snowblow my drive out, when he did everyone else's...? NO. He KNOWS my husband is gone. Jerk. He's just mad because I told him last summer to kindly not stare at my ass.

Did I mention I AM DEPRESSED...? Should I talk to my husband about it?
Don't know if I will.
I hate being weak.

digging for the reasons...

Still blue, still somewhat depressed....
but I'm thinking, thinking about why and what I eat.
The emotions and the foods of my foods :)

And I so want things to be different.
It's not going to change unless *I* do...

Then I read some more of

Badass Fitness

and am once again, inspired. And determined.

I'm going to get off the computer and do some exercises while we're snowed in. Then I'll do the laundry and do some more workouts.

Good news: I'm convinced my husband to let me install a home gym (minimum equipment) in our next house, if we end up moving...Things like a Bosu ball, some free weights and a mirror. And a good radio or TV. I would LOVE a new treadmill but don't want to invest THAT much...

PS that image that I chose has NOTHING to do with the link I shared with you....it's just the butt I would like to have for myself :)

moods and foods...

I don't think I am moody anymore...
I honestly think I am depressed.
It's hard to say what is the cause: my hormones (which are all over the place), my weight (which doesn't move), my crushing responsibilities (which never end).
I'm just really blue. I have no motivation. I don't care about anything. Not even food...
I don't usually get like this in the winter.
But I will admit here and nowhere else: I think I'm depressed.

Now what do I do about it?
Well, today is a Snow Day. I live on the (B)East Coast, where they're calling this THE STORM OF THE CENTURY....(they say that every time...cry wolf, anyone?)
So my kids are home, we have a stack of movies and kid-approved snacks.
And I can't go to the gym :(

This actually bums me out even further. I WANTED TO GO TODAY.
So I'm forced to work out at home.
With the kids watching me.
I have a hard time with people watching me.
I don't like an audience.
I have a hard enough time when my abs-of-Steel trainer watches me.....

Man, am I whiny today or what?
Whiny AND depressed and still fat.
I'm a real catch.....

Usually if I am bummed, I will try to bring myself out of it with some sort of comfort food. Not this time. I fixed BACON this morning (which let's be honest, has no nutritive value whatsoever, it just tastes WICKED good.....) and I took one bite and threw it away....

That's what I knew something was wrong.

So why do we have comfort foods? What's yours? Mine is usually bread. I love bread. Which explains my hips.

Speaking of hips, you know what I did yesterday? I was naked (ugh) in front of the mirror and I pulled all my hip fat aside to see what I would like without the fat on them, and underneath the rolls, I have a delicious hourglass figure. Will I ever see it? It depends on how hard I am willing to work. What I am willing to give up.

I gotta shake these blues.....just gotta...

Tomorrow I will weigh in for this blog. No one else is reading it so it's essentially my online diary...