#42

It's my 42nd post on this blog.
This is only meaningful because I am still here alone. No real readers, comments. It's just me and my insane whining...
My mom used to tell me that character is what you do when no one is look. I suppose I could change that to "accountability is what you do when no one is reading...."
Nonetheless, I soldier on. You know why? Because whether you read or not, I'm still doing this. With or without you, I'm here.

So it's early Saturday morning, the Husband had to work out of town so my sleep is outta whack. Amazingly, I slept well last night but had weird dreams. So I'm up early. Researching stuff for fitness routines. Wowie zowie....I have a lot to learn.

First thing I did this morning when I got up was DRINK MY WATER. I tend to grab a cup of tea and read the news online. But I need to step up my water, so I'm keeping a checklist today :)
I'm going to consistently hit my WATER GOAL for the next week. I've been so lax about it. No more excuses means NO MORE EXCUSES. Plus I'm extra motivated because I have an Official Weigh-In AND my measurements. crap!!!!! I'm more nervous about that stupid measuring tape than about anything. I looked at my measurements from before and I just wanted to barf. And I know that they are not much different, and I'm going to end up very depressed. My trainer, bless his little muscular heart, keeps telling me, "You're stronger...I see muscles." Yeah, whatever...

But you know what I wanna see? I'll admit it, I'm vain. I want to see a smaller freaking number on that scale. I want to look amazing. I want my husband to be thrilled to seen with me....that, and I want to be healthy. Truthfully, my improved health is my main goal. But damn it all if that hotness wouldn't make things much better.....

Oh you know what else....? I bought some weights for home. Little adorable 10# weights so while I'm standing in front of my TV, watching sitcoms, I'm going to go through the routines that my Trainer showed me. Plus I'm doing 50 push-ups EACH DAY, I can't do them all at the same time. I break them up into 10's....but I am trying to do them every day. In all of my reading says a simple well-done push-up works your ENTIRE core. Plus I increase the difficulty by holding my abs really tight. VERY hard. But I'm on a mission for my health (and any hotness that I can grab..)

no excuses

I didn't do my weigh-in yet....you know why...? Because I was stupid and ate CHINESE FOOD last night.... we were celebrating one of my kids' accomplishments. Any excuses to eat food I'm not supposed to....And now the husband is out of town and I'm home alone....with the contents of my fridge...luckily, he ate ALL of the Girl Scout cookies. I'm proud of the fact that out of 3 boxes, I only ate 5 cookies total. We'll not discuss the fact that while those cookies were in my freezer, I had almost nightly semi-erotic dreams of cookies in general. It's obvious that I cannot be trusted around snack items like those....

But I'm staying strong (except for last night's Chinese indiscretion...)....I'm going to be good. AND I'm going to do my weigh-in, like I promised.

I didn't get to run last night...because of the previously mentioned celebration. But tonight...? Game on.

I have a grueling work schedule today. I'll be very busy and will have a hard time carving out my work-out time. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to do a home workout. The kind where you don't need equipment. Just 20 minutes and some floor space. I got the workout from that website that I like so much:Badass Fitness (I'll be doing T-pushups..yikes!)

I was so inspired by her site that I finally broke down and bought my very own 10# weights to use at home. I have the 3# already. I'm going to amass my own little home gym so that when we move, I can work out when *I* have time....no excuses....

...SCREW this.....

That is exactly how I felt yesterday..
After ALL of the doing without, sacrificing, resisting, not to mention EXERCISING.....I gained a freaking pound. Not just one pound, but 1.8 pounds.
So yesterday, I said "screw this" and relaxed and ate stuff I wanted.
The pressure release was immediate.
Just proves what my trainer said is true: I'm wound too tight....(which I knew but still....)

Fact:
I'm doing without and not seeing ANY benefit.
And I'm driving myself crazy.....

So for the next 7 days, I'm going to give myself permission to indulge responsibly. You might be thinking, if you could be responsible, you wouldn't be so damn chunky.....YEAH!

But this constant never-ending worry about what I stick in my mouth and what my body's going to do with it is torturing me. So we'll see how the next 7 days goes. If I gain 5#, then I know I'm doomed to forever be The Chubby Housewife. And I don't want that.

I was so mad when I saw that 1.8# gain. I really was....I wanted to scream. I did cuss and scream in my head. Then I cried. I was feeling real emotional. And what happens when we're emotional: we eat for comfort. I'll admit, I made mashed potatoes and gravy last night. I ate a respectable portion. Nothing that would scare people, but man, did those potatoes taste gooooooood.

Today holds another trainer session. I feel like I'm just wasting money. Nothing is working. Except for me: I'm working. And I want to just give up and eat my way through the ice cream section. I do. But I won't. I'm going to honor my promise to myself and double down and get back to it. I just really want to stick my middle finger at the scale.

I considered telling my husband last night about this blog. This thought occurred to me during sex. (Don't judge. My husband is GREAT in bed but I have ADD and my mind can wander at ANY time...) It was sex-related how the thought popped up. He had his hands in a "no-touch" zone! You know, those places where the fat bunches up? Don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about......I hate that my husband has to censor where he can touch me, because he KNOWS I hate my body. I so want to change that...and THAT is the thought that will get me out of this chair and in the gym. Because I love myself enough to keep trying....

we'll talk about Sex and The Chubby Housewife on another day.....

...step up....

I haven't been avoiding you.
I've been busy.
Plus it's REALLY hard to hide this from my husband.
I tell him just about everything, and let's face it, my fat ain't no secret...
but this blog is personal. And private.
And I'm vulnerable here, because I blurt things out that just pop into my head....

Why the hair-pulling picture?
I am frustrated.
I have given stuff up completely.
As in CHOCOLATE, and soda, and anything tasty....
And I'm at the gym almost every freakin' day and I am not seeing results that I want.
I am hating life right now. I just want to yell to the Heavens, "Fine, I'll be fat forever...."
But my momma didn't raise a quitter. No sirree.....

So I keep going. Bitching about it nonetheless.
I miss chocolate. I could literally cry just thinking about chocolate.

My weigh-in? I did it. I am still at 169#. Fucking scale.
I hate the scale.

Attitude shift......let me focus for a moment what I *do* like....
I like sleeping better.
I like working out once I'm started.
I like knowing that in a few months, I'll be able to look back and say "Hell Yes, I did it."
Right now, it just sucks...
And I don't want to share all of that just yet.
Maybe when I get famous and skinny.....not!

I worked out with a different trainer yesterday. I fear that I'm getting lax. Because I can wowrk myself out for an hour and it's a good solid workout and I'm all sweaty, but when the trainers work me, I'm dripping with sweat and begging for water. And sore.....My body and my logical brain are telling me what I already know: I gotta step it up.

So I go into this weekend with a different mission: to confuse my muscles and give my routine something new. What I'm doing ain't cuttin' it.....

Day 6

Today will be the 6th day of consistent exercising.
I even did 20 scissor-kicks before going to bed.
Determination...
I even had a weird dream about exercising.
Is it wrong that I want to become obsessed with getting healthy?
I'm doing my weigh in tomorrow, with god-awful photos.
I'm going to photograph what I "lovingly" call my c-section foldover.
It's that section of skin on my body that literally folds over. It's so gross and if I had a giant eraser (or a tummy tuck) it's the ONE thing I would ZAP on my body. My hips? I can live with. But that flap is a total confidence killer.
So what am I gonna do?
I'm gonna show it to you.
What the hell? No one knows me here.....

hard.....

1. I searched for a photo for "bloated" and this is EXACTLY how I feel....except for the floating part :)

2. I feel like a quitter. I have done nothing but eat and be a bum these last two weeks. But yesterday, I went to the gym. It felt sooooo good to work out again. So if it feels so good, why am I not more consistent? Who the hell knows?

3. I still haven't weighed in. My period is almost over, so I'll weigh in as soon as it's over. I don't want to weigh in. Because I'm going to be so angry when I see those numbers. I'll be mad about every stupid cookie that I willingly chose to stick in my mouth. I'll be angry that I did this to myself again....And I have to deal with that.

4. Change won't happen unless you want it bad enough.....

5. it's really REALLY hard to keep hiding this blog from my husband. I may have to share it with him. I don't want to.....it's not that I am saying things here that I don't want to share with him. I mean, come on....he knows I'm fat. He sees me, no matter how hard I try to hide...but I don't want to talk about my fat with him....Sure, he's supposed to love me no matter what, but I want him to LOVE me and WANT me. How can he want me when I disgust myself....?

6. I will admit to doing one good thing this week: I've increased my water intake. Substantially....now I just have to keep it up, wherein lies my dilemma....CONSISTENCY...

7. I'm gonna keep trying. Even when I screw up....

how you act when no one is looking....

I have many people in my life who hold me accountable: mainly my kids. They're like little walking machines of honesty.
I told my daughter that I was trying to eat better and that I want her to point out when I am doing unhealthy things....I'll be damned if she didn't harass me for buying Oreos. Seriously? Yes she did.
That's my girl. Loving someone and holding them accountable matters. I will be accountable for my fat, and that it could cost me my health. What if my doctor said (and he might), "You're taking 10 years off your life because of that tire around your waist."


Accountability.....like when I made that promise the other day to weigh in and then share it with you....Still haven't done it......don't wanna but............

Man, I justified the crap out of NOT doing this...I still don't have my measuring tape (denial and excuses galore..) but I will share my weight with you today.. Every morning, I like to start my day off with a cup of something hot and weigh myself. I do get wrapped up in that stupid lil number, then I spend time berating everything I stuck in my mouth. So long that my cup gets cold....

Enough. No more. Excuses do not burn calories....

I'm 5'2.5" and I weight 168#.
I should weigh something like 135....My goal is 140. That means I need to lose 28#. I am giving myself 6-9 months.

I have been much thinner in my life. Although I would like to be thin again, I am more concerned with my health. Supermodels are cool but do you ever hear about them living until they're 100? Nope. I have a great man and some good kids. I want to be here for a long time.

So what do I want more: a cheeseburger or my life?
Easy question. Tough to do.

I feel like I am talking to myself. But I'm okay with that.

.....denial......

I have excuses. Many of them.
So many of them are so skillful, sometimes I even believe them myself!

In my first post, I promised a weigh-in and measurements....
I haven't done it yet...and I have no good reason.
My "excuse" is that I don't have a soft measuring tape, which I could easily buy at Wal-Mart....

The truth of the matter is that I don't want to see how big I am.
That would make it real....
I don't know if I can handle it. But I'm going to have to face it.
So I'll make another promise: I'll buy that measuring tape within the next 24 hours.