damn cookies....

I finally cracked open the Girl Scout cookies....
DAMN IT!!
(I ate 6 of them...at 40 calories a piece..)

I'm still at it with the exercise.
I've gained 4# of muscle....but haven't lost a single f'ing pound of fat! NOT ONE!!

Frustrated doesn't even begin to cover it. But I'll stay the course....

I have a stressful weekend. I'm hoping NOT to eat through my stress. I am very tempted to take those cookies out and burn them....

...I drank spinach...

I'm in love with my pillow. I am soooo tired.
I left ALL of my energy at the gym. I poured it ALL into my workout.
But man, it felt goooooood. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow's session!

You know what else? I went to Costco. Specifically for those damn Dark Chocolate-covered pomegranates. Oh, they are evil. But I was responsible. I put them into individual 1/2 serving bags so I'm not tempted to eat them by the CUP FULL.....

While at Costco, I also experienced my first ever GREEN SMOOTHIE.....I am hooked. It was some dude selling the BlendTec, which I'd heard of but never seen in real life. It's $369 and I was -this close- to buying one. He mixed me a smoothie with kale, spinach, bananas, kiwis (with the skins on) and pineapple (with the core) and blueberries, and strawberries with the LEAVES ON and some other good stuff. And it tasted FABULOUS....I drank spinach!! And didn't die!

Well, of course, I'm a curious sort so I said I'd be back. I came home and researched it. And it looks so goooood. I want one. I do. But damn, it's $369.00!!!! That's a lot of money....I'm thinking of asking for that for Mother's Day....I'd even let him count it as my anniversary/birthday/Christmas gift. But we'll see. With a purchase THAT big, I have to think about it long and hard.

But seriously, I couldn't even TASTE the spinach. That machine crunched it up sooooo small, you couldn't see it at all.....not even a fleck, and he put in a TON of it. if I didn't see him do it, I wouldn't have believed it.

I drank spinach, people. This is how they snag ya though. You drink spinach and they get ya....
I want one, I do.....I DRANK SPINACH!!!

you're so fruity...

I love fruits. I do. So this week, while my darling Husband abandons me for some stupid work-trip, I'm going to go on a Fruit-a-palooza. (Admission: I hate when other people use "palooza" add-on, but damn it, it's cute....)

It's the week I am SUPPOSED to get my period, so truthfully I want to just dive into a vat of Fritos, but I'm going to annihilate my cravings with FRUIT. Now I know that fruit is not calorie free. But if you have Fritos in one hand and a fresh orange in the other...well, duh...

So I am going to go Fruit Crazy. baby!! There's a local store here that gives you a one-on-one fruit tour. They take you through their extensive produce section and allow you to sample ANY fruit. It's a chance to explore and I'm taking it!

I'm lining up chick movies and fruit. And I'm hitting the gym harder this week. I'm going to weigh in TODAY and FRIDAY. Let's see if it works...

Side-note: those evil Girl Scout Thin Mints are still unopened. Yeah me!

......fines.....

I'm going to start fining myself for all the whining I'm doing.
I re-read some of my posts and even though it's genuine feeling, I AM WHINING.
I gotta see this through, you know?
(can you guess who watched Biggest Loser last night.....?)

SO today, I"m cleaning house and exercising. Until I drop.
And no whining...at all...

Other things I'm thinking:

-that I wish I liked yogurt. It is on ALL of the diet plans, but I think it stinks. Literally. I can't get past the smell.....yuck.
-I'm indulging in Pity Talk, telling myself that this is not working. No change is really happening (more whining) but then I go to carry something heavy and it's not so bad....
-about building a home gym. A small one with minimal equipment. I would watch TV and do crunches....I swear in our next house, I'm going to do that....
-thinking about the move and the stress of moving. But also thinking about the excitement of moving! A new place, husband will have a new job (same job in a diff place).....

Great, now I'm whining AND babbling....I'll never get any readers at this point...
I'm off to the gym before I piss myself off again...

.....quitter? I don't think so.....

(Explanation: I looked up a photo, searching under stock photos for "quitter" and this photo popped up....I HAD to use it...)

I've had a rough spell.
I decided last week, "Screw this...I don't look THAT bad..."
I so wanted to quit. I did. I engaged in a HUGE whine-fest, complete with a shameless Oreo fest. I ate 12 of them very quickly and shortly thereafter, my fat bod said, "Nope, we're not going down this way....." and puked them back up....You know what puked up Oreos does to a craving...? It ruins it....I can no longer look at an Oreo. Especially those creepy Spring themed ones with a variety of pastel filling. That whole thing bugs me....It should be WHITE filling only, but I digress.

My desire for healthiness is threatened the weakness of my nature.
I want to give up. I want to yell from that treadmill, "FORGET IT!! I'm done.."

But that won't happen. I'm committed. I'm here. I want this, and gosh-darn-it, I deserve health.
But man, it ain't gonna come easy. I'm working harder than I ever have before. I'm in that gym 5-6 days A WEEK, I'm there so much, other people ask me questions (which I defer)....I'm committed. I just wish I could see more results out of my efforts.

I'm going to see my doctor about a referral to an endocrinologist to check things out. I'm a bit nervous. But I'm bringing my trainer's log so that they can see that I'm not lying: I'm actually exercising! Im keeping a food journal. I even write down when I chew gum. (I'm madly in love with Stride Spearmint gum..and Orbit Mango gum..the funkier the flavor, the happier I am..)

my favorite exercise this week? Squats with weights. It's really improving my balance. I'm even getting compliments on my butt.. Now if I could just get the front butt to go away....

I'm also feeling kind of alone. Since this blog is HIGHLY secret (not even my hunky husband knows about it...), I feel alone. No one knows I'm writing here. If you're reading this, please comment. Tell me something, anything.

Also this week, I'm going to try green tea. I'm a lil nervous about that. I wish I knew which kind to buy. I'm digging my hot lemon water with Stevia.....I love that stuff, so does my liver :)

I'm off to walk now. I'm setting my goal between 4-5 miles per week. Setting my goal low at first guarantees that I'll make it!!

whine and cheese

It's true.....I would be as skinny as a freakin' rail....
I was thinking about my fat today as I squeezed it into my stretchy workout pants.
Don't get me wrong: I love that my pants are stretchy, but I wish they didn't have to be, you know? But I was thinking about my fat (of course I was....) and I was thinking, "WHY am I fat? I don't even LIKE half of the stuff that fat people like??!!"

Like cheese, or sour cream, or cream cheese....
See my theme here? I don't even like cheese and somehow I found a way to stay fat.

I went to the gym today. I worked really hard. REALLY hard. I was sweating....a lot.
I just am not seeing any results. I'm working and my body is holding onto this damn fat!
But I am not giving up. Even though I would love to. I wold love to dive head-first into a bucket of ice cream from ColdStone Creamery. I had a dream about their ice cream the other night. It bordered on erotic.....

So I keep on keeping on. That's all I can do. My friend says "You just wait. That weight is going to start falling off...Just wait." It took every ounce of my considerable restraint to choke her Size 4 yapper.....She's lucky to be alive. I pray that she's right though.

I did step it up today. I lifted heavier weights. I ran for a little while (3 minutes, I got to winded)...I'm trying....I really am....

I won't quit. I won't. Even though I want to.
More later. I might just hit the gym again....

evil at Wal-Mart

I kid you not.
On EVERY aisle that I walked on had a BOX of these....
EVIL...
Absolutely evil.....

(I didn't buy any...but I did risk strange looks as I whipped out my iPhone to document this....)

my fortune......

Yesterday, I cheated. Not only my husband.
ON MY DIET.
It was a partial cheat but man, did I pay...

I had Chinese food. Beef and Broccoli, which is LOADED with sodium.
Sure, you think you're eating healthy because it has a green vegetable, but seriously...
my lunch had about 600mg of Sodium.
Then you add the nutritionally empty white rice...
I might as well have had a Big Mac.

Why did I eat this? Because I was on Mom Duty, taxi-ing my progeny from one event to another, pressed for time, and let's face: I wanted to eat it. I was already feeling guilty enough so I ate my fortune cookie, which read:

"Nothing will stop you from acheieving your goal...."

DAMN!! Even the cookie knows how freaking weak I am....

So I came home, took a small nap (because empty carbs bottom me out big time...) and then I did my At Home Workout. My trainer is teaching me how to stretch and use my own body weight to work out, with no equipment....so I punished myself....

And today? I have a puking, clingy kid whose illness, no matter how brief, will derail my plans for the gym. That's my main impediment: my kids and my time. I am so busy being a mom that I rarely get time to just be a woman, you know?

Enough whining.....I'm doing another At Home Workout. Hopefully my darling husband will get home in time for me to go to the gym tonight, but I doubt it....

Weigh in tomorrow. I have decided NOT yet on the photos. I'm building up to it.

so blue......

I really am depressed.
All I've done for two days is cry. And eat.
And nothing soothes me.

Did I mention that I am trapped in my house due to the snow?
Husband is out of town till mid-week and my drive has like 4" of snow in it.
Seriously. FOUR FEET.
That's taller than my kids, who are tickled about the snow.

I am just sad. And blue. And crying. And hungry.

And did my shitty neighbor snowblow my drive out, when he did everyone else's...? NO. He KNOWS my husband is gone. Jerk. He's just mad because I told him last summer to kindly not stare at my ass.

Did I mention I AM DEPRESSED...? Should I talk to my husband about it?
Don't know if I will.
I hate being weak.