#42

It's my 42nd post on this blog.
This is only meaningful because I am still here alone. No real readers, comments. It's just me and my insane whining...
My mom used to tell me that character is what you do when no one is look. I suppose I could change that to "accountability is what you do when no one is reading...."
Nonetheless, I soldier on. You know why? Because whether you read or not, I'm still doing this. With or without you, I'm here.

So it's early Saturday morning, the Husband had to work out of town so my sleep is outta whack. Amazingly, I slept well last night but had weird dreams. So I'm up early. Researching stuff for fitness routines. Wowie zowie....I have a lot to learn.

First thing I did this morning when I got up was DRINK MY WATER. I tend to grab a cup of tea and read the news online. But I need to step up my water, so I'm keeping a checklist today :)
I'm going to consistently hit my WATER GOAL for the next week. I've been so lax about it. No more excuses means NO MORE EXCUSES. Plus I'm extra motivated because I have an Official Weigh-In AND my measurements. crap!!!!! I'm more nervous about that stupid measuring tape than about anything. I looked at my measurements from before and I just wanted to barf. And I know that they are not much different, and I'm going to end up very depressed. My trainer, bless his little muscular heart, keeps telling me, "You're stronger...I see muscles." Yeah, whatever...

But you know what I wanna see? I'll admit it, I'm vain. I want to see a smaller freaking number on that scale. I want to look amazing. I want my husband to be thrilled to seen with me....that, and I want to be healthy. Truthfully, my improved health is my main goal. But damn it all if that hotness wouldn't make things much better.....

Oh you know what else....? I bought some weights for home. Little adorable 10# weights so while I'm standing in front of my TV, watching sitcoms, I'm going to go through the routines that my Trainer showed me. Plus I'm doing 50 push-ups EACH DAY, I can't do them all at the same time. I break them up into 10's....but I am trying to do them every day. In all of my reading says a simple well-done push-up works your ENTIRE core. Plus I increase the difficulty by holding my abs really tight. VERY hard. But I'm on a mission for my health (and any hotness that I can grab..)

no excuses

I didn't do my weigh-in yet....you know why...? Because I was stupid and ate CHINESE FOOD last night.... we were celebrating one of my kids' accomplishments. Any excuses to eat food I'm not supposed to....And now the husband is out of town and I'm home alone....with the contents of my fridge...luckily, he ate ALL of the Girl Scout cookies. I'm proud of the fact that out of 3 boxes, I only ate 5 cookies total. We'll not discuss the fact that while those cookies were in my freezer, I had almost nightly semi-erotic dreams of cookies in general. It's obvious that I cannot be trusted around snack items like those....

But I'm staying strong (except for last night's Chinese indiscretion...)....I'm going to be good. AND I'm going to do my weigh-in, like I promised.

I didn't get to run last night...because of the previously mentioned celebration. But tonight...? Game on.

I have a grueling work schedule today. I'll be very busy and will have a hard time carving out my work-out time. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to do a home workout. The kind where you don't need equipment. Just 20 minutes and some floor space. I got the workout from that website that I like so much:Badass Fitness (I'll be doing T-pushups..yikes!)

I was so inspired by her site that I finally broke down and bought my very own 10# weights to use at home. I have the 3# already. I'm going to amass my own little home gym so that when we move, I can work out when *I* have time....no excuses....

damn cookies....

I finally cracked open the Girl Scout cookies....
DAMN IT!!
(I ate 6 of them...at 40 calories a piece..)

I'm still at it with the exercise.
I've gained 4# of muscle....but haven't lost a single f'ing pound of fat! NOT ONE!!

Frustrated doesn't even begin to cover it. But I'll stay the course....

I have a stressful weekend. I'm hoping NOT to eat through my stress. I am very tempted to take those cookies out and burn them....

turning a corner...

I took the weekend off. I hung out with some friends.
We ate like pigs, slept late, had some shopping time and ate some more...
I even went to one of my favorite Italian chains and ate an entire basket of bread....It was sooooo tasty. But as I was eating it, I was mentally calculating how much treadmill/elliptical time I would have to do....

But still, I ate it....

and it felt gooooooood. I did NOT drink any alcohol though :)

That being said, I took two whole days off of my workout routine. As a result, I missed it. I mean I MISSED IT. As in, I'm walking around the stores, looking at clothes that I couldn't fit into, and was thinking, "I should be in the gym..."

So I was back in the gym yesterday and today....and I felt much better sweating than I did shopping. Seriously.

And you know what's even better than a weekend off?
Coming home to your husband who missed you :) ----he even told me that he could tell that I was losing weight, especially in my face :-)--and that wasn't even getting-lucky-flattery!

Am I losing weight? I don't think so. But I am so much stronger now that I was before...
I would REALLY like to see my flabby belly just disappear. Like completely. And instantly.
But you know that ain't gonna happen....Permanent changes require, demand, lifestyle changes. And that's what I'm doing. I'm changing how I think, how I eat (this weekend not withstanding...) and how I exercise....

So mentally, I feel like I've turned a corner. I feel like I'm stronger, both physically and mentally. I wanted to see a number shift on that scale this week. My trainer is going to measure me next week. I'm nervous about that. But today, he made my day. I raised my flouncy t-shirt that I use to hide my fat from public viewing (as if that damn shirt will convince ANYONE that I am not the Chubster that I am...Ha!) well, I lifted my shirt and showed him how I "felt" skinnier and he gasped and said, "YOU ARE!" I could tell he was surprised. That made me feel good, because he saw me the very first time I came into the gym, soft as a marshmallow and wincing from lifting my own fat arms. Seriously! The first session included doing flies with just my arms, no weights, and I was SO sore the following day. From lifting my own fat arms. Now? I can do so much more! Plus my arms are toning up!! (It's REALLY hard to admit that....)

My goals are the same: to be healthier. Skinnier would be nice, but not the end goal. But it wouldn't be awful if I ended up looking like that Hot Wife that other women just hate :)
You ladies know what I'm talking about....

Now, I'm thinking about going to the gym again tonight....but I can't, it's "Biggest Loser" night in our house, which we watch as a family. Every week, I am inspired by these people. They're REAL and I love that show. I am so lucky that my husband will watch it with me.

Tomorrow: extended cardio AND my own personal weigh-in. Maybe I'll do another photo. The visual really speaks to me. Usually it says "Eeeewwww gross." But I'm trying to look at how much I'm CHANGING.....(I hate the word "change" now since it was hijacked...but don't get me started!)

...I drank spinach...

I'm in love with my pillow. I am soooo tired.
I left ALL of my energy at the gym. I poured it ALL into my workout.
But man, it felt goooooood. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow's session!

You know what else? I went to Costco. Specifically for those damn Dark Chocolate-covered pomegranates. Oh, they are evil. But I was responsible. I put them into individual 1/2 serving bags so I'm not tempted to eat them by the CUP FULL.....

While at Costco, I also experienced my first ever GREEN SMOOTHIE.....I am hooked. It was some dude selling the BlendTec, which I'd heard of but never seen in real life. It's $369 and I was -this close- to buying one. He mixed me a smoothie with kale, spinach, bananas, kiwis (with the skins on) and pineapple (with the core) and blueberries, and strawberries with the LEAVES ON and some other good stuff. And it tasted FABULOUS....I drank spinach!! And didn't die!

Well, of course, I'm a curious sort so I said I'd be back. I came home and researched it. And it looks so goooood. I want one. I do. But damn, it's $369.00!!!! That's a lot of money....I'm thinking of asking for that for Mother's Day....I'd even let him count it as my anniversary/birthday/Christmas gift. But we'll see. With a purchase THAT big, I have to think about it long and hard.

But seriously, I couldn't even TASTE the spinach. That machine crunched it up sooooo small, you couldn't see it at all.....not even a fleck, and he put in a TON of it. if I didn't see him do it, I wouldn't have believed it.

I drank spinach, people. This is how they snag ya though. You drink spinach and they get ya....
I want one, I do.....I DRANK SPINACH!!!

....the next level....

I was a total bitch to my husband last night. I hate hormones. Sure, they make me all feminine and shit, but damn, they RUIN me for like 2 days a month....luckily, he's out of town. Still, he irritated me. I was so wound up that I even ordered Chinese take-out....I was so freakin' emotional yesterday. It really sucks to be a girl sometimes...

Well, today I took all that anger and put it into my workout...my trainer was completely blown away by how much energy my anger and frustrations hold.. He told me that if I can bring THAT to my daily gym workout, that I'll change my body a lot sooner.

So obviously, I'm indulging myself too much. Too much whining and excuses going on (which I knew but really didn't want to admit) I am allowing my anger and emotions to stop me. I'm SABOTAGING my own freakin' efforts!! How stupid is that?? After he trains me, I usually spent a few minutes on the treadmill and then call it good. But today, I went rowing and I pushed myself harder than I usually do. Then I went and lifted more than I usually do...I was drippin' sweat. I looked GREAT. Some random guy even LOOKED at me.
You know, he looked at me-looked at me......That's what I'm talkin' about......

I'm gonna get out of my own way.
I'm going to sweat more.
I'm going to PUSH myself.
I won't let a little pain stop me.
It's ON.....I feel so powerful. Very different that I usually do, but isn't that the whole idea?
And I'm thinking about taking a KICKBOXING class. So what if I look stupid? I'd rather look stupid for a little while than look fat FOREVER...

It's ON.....

.....ugh.....

It's that time....when it sucks to be a girl.
I cannot indulge in the First Day Lie-on-the-couch, clutching the remote routine. I have to go to the GYM. My trainer will not forgive me for skipping out. And truthfully, logically, I KNOW I'll feel better and my cramps will ease if I go exercise. But damn it! I just want to go back to bed. My First Day is always so bad that I keep a bottle of prescription strength muscle relaxers in my cabinet. I just take 1-2 each month, but still.....

Ugh.....

That being said. I'm hopeful that some of that 169# on my scale yesterday is actually just water weight, bloat, period crap. I'm going to work hard this week and move those damn numbers.

I'm going to go watch a Pilates class today. I am totally intimidated by yoga. And I don't want to look stupid in front of all those flawless. Why do I even care what they think? They don't know me....

I am doing it again...whining. Somebody slap me, please........and I am thinking about walking to the freezer and throwing away those damn GS cookies. I still have not opened them but the temptation just got stronger.

wild woman, that's me...

(I googled "wild dancing" and these wild cranes popped up, so I'm gonna use them....I look like that when I dance...)

I splurged on some new music on iTunes.
I spoil myself. The amount of spoiling is directly related to how good or bad my day is going.
Today was a good day...so I bought two songs:
"You make me happy" by Picture Perfect (I heard it on some show the other day and my daughter liked it...) and "I gotta feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas...

After everyone goes to bed, I'm going o pop on my iPod and blast my tunes and would on my flabby self. I am learning exercises that I can do WITHOUT equipment. Which is good. Because I don't have an exercise room yet. Maybe in the next house, I will.

It's official. We ARE moving. Did you know moving ranks higher than death or divorce on the Stress Scale....? It's true....the thing I like best about moving is the purging. Getting rid of stuff and getting lean (on household items, that is.....)

Weigh-in: Did I tell you that I weighed in this morning? I have not moved...I am still at 169#, When I saw that I was disgusted and grateful at the same time: disgusted that I am still a fat ass. And grateful that I have not gained a ton more...

Tomorrow, I have an early morning trainer session. I am eager for the torture...I'm ready for the sweat. Bring it on.......!!

you're so fruity...

I love fruits. I do. So this week, while my darling Husband abandons me for some stupid work-trip, I'm going to go on a Fruit-a-palooza. (Admission: I hate when other people use "palooza" add-on, but damn it, it's cute....)

It's the week I am SUPPOSED to get my period, so truthfully I want to just dive into a vat of Fritos, but I'm going to annihilate my cravings with FRUIT. Now I know that fruit is not calorie free. But if you have Fritos in one hand and a fresh orange in the other...well, duh...

So I am going to go Fruit Crazy. baby!! There's a local store here that gives you a one-on-one fruit tour. They take you through their extensive produce section and allow you to sample ANY fruit. It's a chance to explore and I'm taking it!

I'm lining up chick movies and fruit. And I'm hitting the gym harder this week. I'm going to weigh in TODAY and FRIDAY. Let's see if it works...

Side-note: those evil Girl Scout Thin Mints are still unopened. Yeah me!

Post #32

I really am alone here.
I thought someone would stumble upon me, but nope. I'm all alone.
It's both liberating and stifling, to be alone with my own thoughts. I can say ANYTHING I want, but does it have any impact if no one hears it? Not whining, just pensive.

So the Husband is ticking me off. I'm not usually one of those women who sits around, bitching about her man. I LOVE MY MAN.....I adore him. He's my favorite person in the whole stinkin' world. Seriously, I would choose him above all others. That being said, he's annoying me. SO are my kids......Greatly. It just so happens that this is PRE-PMS week, too. Coincidence? Probably not. At least I'll admit it. Right now, I want to eat everything salty and crunchy, dipped in chocolate. But I'm ignoring my cravings and drinking water....Isn't it weird how your body retains water but you're supposed to put more in at the special time? Hmmm, sounds messed up.

I am sore. So sore. But guess who's gonna be in the gym, sweating? ME! I downloaded a bunch of new exercise routines, using Kettle-bells. I love those! They are so cute, and man, do they work! Plus I rewarded myself two new songs. I heard them playing in one of the classes and thought," OOOh, I like that song." I need some new motivation so music usually helps.

My trainer and I agreed that I need to increase the amount of time I'm doing cardio, so it's half-hour MINIMUM on either the treadmill or the elliptical, 3-4 weekly. I saw an ad for this gym in LA (of course) that has Chick Movie Treadmills. They are pre-programmed with the latest Chick Movies so you can walk and watch a good movie. The ladies who do it said the time flies by. I think that would be cool! I know I'd sign up for it. But my gym is a little behind the times...I'm finding it be to be 80/20 male-female, so there's a river of testosterone in my gym. Most women who are around my age probably just say "screw it! I'll get Lipo!"

I'm going on a Girl's Weekend this weekend, and the first question I asked my BFF was "Does the Hotel have a gym?" And she said, "Even better, they have a SPA AND A GYM!!" Woooo Hoooo! I"m going to work out THEN get a Swedish Massage, then sleep without anyone bugging me. And I'm going to go for a run....where no one can laugh at me.....

Now enough talkin', I gotta go sweat. Oh! I'm taking the aforementioned BFF to pick out a slew of green teas. I am all worried that they'll taste gross. Wish me luck!

...oh yeah......

I unleashed the ninja...with my trainer's help.
I talked to him today. And I confessed that I wasn't seeing results and I was not pleased. And that I wanted to see SOMETHING......so we switched things up.
I worked out really hard. REALLY.....
If I can do this every day, I will see results.
I'm so excited. I can feel change coming my way!!
I'm also going to buy a pair of those Reebok Easy Tones.....I need any edge I can get!

Oh...and I'm going to start running....in spurts, build up to ACTUAL running. I'm pushing my endurance.

I earned it...

I am so sore today.
I mean, like I am walking funny type sore.
I worked out HARD at the gym.
On my own. Without my trainer.
And even 8 hours AFTER the workout, I'm sore.
I don't even want to think about what tomorrow morning is going to feel like.
I'm not whining. I'm OWNING it....

I'm switching things up. I worked out on my own. I switched out my exercise circuits rapidly, like 5 minutes on the treadmill, then I'd drop and do 20 push-ups, then I'd do the leg press, then I'd work my biceps. I totally did something DIFFERENT.....and I liked it.
I am usually only THIS sore when I workout with the Trainer.
I was so proud of myself :)

Speaking of changing things up, I am considering switching trainers.
THAT would be a big deal for me. I've been with my Trainer Guy for about 8 months. And I'm just not seeing the changes that I think I deserve after spending close to $1,000 on Trainer & Gym fees....so I'm going to switch. The only loyalty I have is to myself and my own health.

I ate well today. I did some reading about after workout snacks. I'm investing in myself.
This time next week, I'm either going to be too sore to walk or damn it, I'll have some results.

......fines.....

I'm going to start fining myself for all the whining I'm doing.
I re-read some of my posts and even though it's genuine feeling, I AM WHINING.
I gotta see this through, you know?
(can you guess who watched Biggest Loser last night.....?)

SO today, I"m cleaning house and exercising. Until I drop.
And no whining...at all...

Other things I'm thinking:

-that I wish I liked yogurt. It is on ALL of the diet plans, but I think it stinks. Literally. I can't get past the smell.....yuck.
-I'm indulging in Pity Talk, telling myself that this is not working. No change is really happening (more whining) but then I go to carry something heavy and it's not so bad....
-about building a home gym. A small one with minimal equipment. I would watch TV and do crunches....I swear in our next house, I'm going to do that....
-thinking about the move and the stress of moving. But also thinking about the excitement of moving! A new place, husband will have a new job (same job in a diff place).....

Great, now I'm whining AND babbling....I'll never get any readers at this point...
I'm off to the gym before I piss myself off again...

.....quitter? I don't think so.....

(Explanation: I looked up a photo, searching under stock photos for "quitter" and this photo popped up....I HAD to use it...)

I've had a rough spell.
I decided last week, "Screw this...I don't look THAT bad..."
I so wanted to quit. I did. I engaged in a HUGE whine-fest, complete with a shameless Oreo fest. I ate 12 of them very quickly and shortly thereafter, my fat bod said, "Nope, we're not going down this way....." and puked them back up....You know what puked up Oreos does to a craving...? It ruins it....I can no longer look at an Oreo. Especially those creepy Spring themed ones with a variety of pastel filling. That whole thing bugs me....It should be WHITE filling only, but I digress.

My desire for healthiness is threatened the weakness of my nature.
I want to give up. I want to yell from that treadmill, "FORGET IT!! I'm done.."

But that won't happen. I'm committed. I'm here. I want this, and gosh-darn-it, I deserve health.
But man, it ain't gonna come easy. I'm working harder than I ever have before. I'm in that gym 5-6 days A WEEK, I'm there so much, other people ask me questions (which I defer)....I'm committed. I just wish I could see more results out of my efforts.

I'm going to see my doctor about a referral to an endocrinologist to check things out. I'm a bit nervous. But I'm bringing my trainer's log so that they can see that I'm not lying: I'm actually exercising! Im keeping a food journal. I even write down when I chew gum. (I'm madly in love with Stride Spearmint gum..and Orbit Mango gum..the funkier the flavor, the happier I am..)

my favorite exercise this week? Squats with weights. It's really improving my balance. I'm even getting compliments on my butt.. Now if I could just get the front butt to go away....

I'm also feeling kind of alone. Since this blog is HIGHLY secret (not even my hunky husband knows about it...), I feel alone. No one knows I'm writing here. If you're reading this, please comment. Tell me something, anything.

Also this week, I'm going to try green tea. I'm a lil nervous about that. I wish I knew which kind to buy. I'm digging my hot lemon water with Stevia.....I love that stuff, so does my liver :)

I'm off to walk now. I'm setting my goal between 4-5 miles per week. Setting my goal low at first guarantees that I'll make it!!

....am I a quitter or not?....No, I'm not.

I'm having an internal struggle about my external appearance.
I'm working REALLY hard, and nothing shows.
I'm sweating and still very flabby...
and I'm pissed off about it....

I just figure that I have to keep working hard, and switch it up and aim for some results.
I am thinking about switching trainers.
Not because I don't like my trainer: I do.
But I need something different, a different challenge....

I'm very frustrated.
I want to be healthier and am trying, but nothin's happening...!!
I'll do my weigh-in tomorrow.....

PS I'm dreaming about bread....sexy dreams of fresh-baked bread. Is that messed up or what?

whine and cheese

It's true.....I would be as skinny as a freakin' rail....
I was thinking about my fat today as I squeezed it into my stretchy workout pants.
Don't get me wrong: I love that my pants are stretchy, but I wish they didn't have to be, you know? But I was thinking about my fat (of course I was....) and I was thinking, "WHY am I fat? I don't even LIKE half of the stuff that fat people like??!!"

Like cheese, or sour cream, or cream cheese....
See my theme here? I don't even like cheese and somehow I found a way to stay fat.

I went to the gym today. I worked really hard. REALLY hard. I was sweating....a lot.
I just am not seeing any results. I'm working and my body is holding onto this damn fat!
But I am not giving up. Even though I would love to. I wold love to dive head-first into a bucket of ice cream from ColdStone Creamery. I had a dream about their ice cream the other night. It bordered on erotic.....

So I keep on keeping on. That's all I can do. My friend says "You just wait. That weight is going to start falling off...Just wait." It took every ounce of my considerable restraint to choke her Size 4 yapper.....She's lucky to be alive. I pray that she's right though.

I did step it up today. I lifted heavier weights. I ran for a little while (3 minutes, I got to winded)...I'm trying....I really am....

I won't quit. I won't. Even though I want to.
More later. I might just hit the gym again....

I am not alone

It might be random (probably is) but SOMEONE other than me stopped by my blog the other day....TWO people....OH MY GOSH...if you're here, please say hello so I know that the Stat Counter isn't just taking pity on me....

It's weird...I know someone read all of this....makes it more real...

Didn't weigh in today. Just don't feel like it.
Had a big ugly asthma attack last night. I hate my asthma. My stupid doctor says, "You really need to be careful about exerting yourself..." and in the next breath says, "Your asthma would be better if you dropped 20#.."

Really.......? And the DumbAss Award goes to the Chubby Housewife's Know-IT-All doctor...

Today....I ate mildly and exercised. I worked out as hard and my aching lungs would allow me. Fucking asthma.....Which do I hate more: my fat or my asthma? Today, my asthma...it HURTS me...

I know I'm whining because look at this:

She has kids, asthma AND freakin' Gold Medals......

One thing's for certain: I will NEVER look like that. But it irks me: She's OLDER than me and she looks astonishingly in shape. I should hang this on my fridge....

Even though I've been to the gym already today, I'm doing a Home Workout today, too. Even though my scale told me to piss off, I'm not giving up. That would be too easy.

...SCREW this.....

That is exactly how I felt yesterday..
After ALL of the doing without, sacrificing, resisting, not to mention EXERCISING.....I gained a freaking pound. Not just one pound, but 1.8 pounds.
So yesterday, I said "screw this" and relaxed and ate stuff I wanted.
The pressure release was immediate.
Just proves what my trainer said is true: I'm wound too tight....(which I knew but still....)

Fact:
I'm doing without and not seeing ANY benefit.
And I'm driving myself crazy.....

So for the next 7 days, I'm going to give myself permission to indulge responsibly. You might be thinking, if you could be responsible, you wouldn't be so damn chunky.....YEAH!

But this constant never-ending worry about what I stick in my mouth and what my body's going to do with it is torturing me. So we'll see how the next 7 days goes. If I gain 5#, then I know I'm doomed to forever be The Chubby Housewife. And I don't want that.

I was so mad when I saw that 1.8# gain. I really was....I wanted to scream. I did cuss and scream in my head. Then I cried. I was feeling real emotional. And what happens when we're emotional: we eat for comfort. I'll admit, I made mashed potatoes and gravy last night. I ate a respectable portion. Nothing that would scare people, but man, did those potatoes taste gooooooood.

Today holds another trainer session. I feel like I'm just wasting money. Nothing is working. Except for me: I'm working. And I want to just give up and eat my way through the ice cream section. I do. But I won't. I'm going to honor my promise to myself and double down and get back to it. I just really want to stick my middle finger at the scale.

I considered telling my husband last night about this blog. This thought occurred to me during sex. (Don't judge. My husband is GREAT in bed but I have ADD and my mind can wander at ANY time...) It was sex-related how the thought popped up. He had his hands in a "no-touch" zone! You know, those places where the fat bunches up? Don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about......I hate that my husband has to censor where he can touch me, because he KNOWS I hate my body. I so want to change that...and THAT is the thought that will get me out of this chair and in the gym. Because I love myself enough to keep trying....

we'll talk about Sex and The Chubby Housewife on another day.....

.....really....

You can pick your nose, you cannot pick your days....
That lil nose pickin' boy has NOTHING to do with my post.
I googled "bad day photo" and this is what popped up: who am I to deny its cuteness?

Had a REALLY crappy day yesterday. REALLY.
This on the heels of agreeing to double up on my training, working out and eating even better....
One of my kids has some issues (understatement of the year).....I didn't get to go to the gym, didn't get to workout. Just had nothing but stress. Stress which makes my body release enough cortisol for an army....

Really.....

But this is my life. My stress weighs me down. I walk around here most days feeling like I have a boulder on my back. STRESS is figuratively and literally weighing me down. Even my trainer thinks so. He thinks it's impossible, as much as I have been working, and eating (almost always) healthy and still cannot shake the weight....

But how does one rid your life of stress? Do I just kick my kid out?
Believe me, yesterday I wanted to.
But it's not just the kids. It's life.....Life is inherently stressful.
So my trainer recommended meditation.
I'm not really the meditating type. I'd rather blast some AC/DC on my iPod or hit something with a bat. But I might try it....At this point, I'll do anything.
It's either meditate or smoke pot (which was a suggestion of a lady at the gym). I just don't like the whole ILLEGAL part of that, not to mention the insane munchies I would get which would make me gain MORE weight....

See what I mean.......?

How did I handle yesterday's stress.....? I swallowed it....I dealt with the moment at hand and I shoved my emotions down. NOT GOOD. Usually that would cause me to find my comfort in the bottom of a bowl of ice cream....but I didn't do it. {Full disclosure: I did eat two FunSize Butterfingers to quell the Beast...} but I stopped there....

I slept horribly. I am mentally wringing my hands. I'm seriously stressed.
But today is a different day and I'm just going to cope as best I can.
Stay the course, stay away from things that tempt me and pray that I am strong....
I think I'll do some Wii yoga....and then go to the gym.....

Tomorrow weigh in PLUS measurements.....

burtally honest.....(long)

Had a great workout these last 2 days. Deep, sweaty, almost passionate...I know that sounds funny, but I WANT to be passionate about my health. Plus I want to be smokin' hot, and have my husband be passionate about me....I'm a LONG way (as you'll see) from that.....

There were many influences that led to this post....
My gasping yesterday at the gym, sharing my frustrations with my trainer, agreeing to double down and work even harder. And a very weird conversation that led to me getting felt up in the ladies room at my gym. No lie....
Here's how it went down: (and there will be history interjected as we go....)

In the locker room, I was just getting dressed in my street clothes and one of those women walked in. You know the type...? PERFECTLY sculpted legs that beg for a mini skirt, boobs that gravity has not touched, and just...perfect.....I do try and strike up conversations with people, especially when I'm caught staring at their boobs......so I said, "I love your shoes. " They were really cute: they were Nike, and they had some bouncing air technology that was telling me about. She'd gotten them at Nordstom's for $125 on sale.....then it was quiet and I just blurted it out "I wish I had your boobs...they're magnificent..." She looked shocked and sat on the bench next to me (a little close for my taste....but still....) and she looked me deep in the eye and said, "They're fake. I paid $10,000 for them after I survived breast cancer."

Well I instantly felt like shit for thinking she was one of those snobby perfect prissy women....She then told me her story, how she was only 32 when she got her diagnosis, it came during a prenatal visit where she had to decide where she'd carry the baby she and her then husband had been trying for, or if she'd aggressively attack the advanced cancer that they'd found....it came down to her life or the baby. Her marriage dissolved when she chose her own life: the man she loved couldn't handle it and left. So she was left, broken, feeling life half a woman, no boobs, no baby and few options....

Long story short, she fought a good fight, has been cancer free for a number of years. She got new (magnificent) boobs. She's even friends with the ex, who has remarried and is expecting a baby with his new Mrs. I was in tears listening to her. I told her how much I admired her strength. Then she floored me again. She told me that she used to be CHUBBY, too!! I told her of my frustrations and how hard I am working and how I don't see any changes...at least the ones I want....

Well, you could've knocked me over but she said, "Well, you do have a nice ass....." (You must be thinking, that is some wild locker room......and it is. Women TALK in there....) ---I was flattered by her comments, and it made me feel good because about two months ago, my husband was walking behind me and he complimented my butt. That one comment from my husband carried me for MONTHS, I kid you not.....----) So I told the Boob Lady, whose name I do not know, that I was thankful. She surprised me when SHE REACHED OVER AND SQUEEZED MY BUTT...I froze, I didn't know what to do. I literally froze, but she touched me with a clinical sense, showing me where my muscles were becoming more defined. As I stood there, looking in the mirrors that I loathe, with Boob Lady's hand on my ass ---I was wearing underwear, but still....---I could see it. Some muscles. In my BUTT!! I was a little happy at that point.

After all me and Boob Lady shared, we went our separate ways but I will remember her story. We all have struggles. Some bigger than others. But we all struggle.....

But this encounter did inspire me to take some photos. Of my butt. What I DON'T LIKE is my front butt. What is a front butt you ask? It's so common that's even in UrbanDictionary.com:

(noun) An enormous, fatty enlargment of the abdomen, genital, and thigh region that morphs together to create the appearance of a bulbous ass on a persons front.

That's me. Fatty enlargement. Bulbous ass on person's front. Oh man, is that me....A few c-sections severing my muscles has impaired my ability a bit but I am grossed out just looking at these.

This is a BIG leap for me. First you'll see my actual butt, followed by my front butt. I am DETERMINED to lose this shit. Hiding it under t-shirts is one thing. But having a photo ON MY BLOG is another. (scroll down and prepare for grossness.....)---and I hope you're not eating anything....---
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Pictures don't lie.
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not bad. My actual butt is not bad. It can do with some toning but overall, NOT bad.....
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last chance to bail.....
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okay, that hurts just looking at it on the screen. I mean. That's my ABS under there. Until I can lose this chunk, no amount of crunches matter. If I could change ONE thing about myself, it would be this....

Am I inspired to put down that Twinkie? You bet. I am working hard and that means accountable.

I can't believe I just put my Front Butt on the internet. I am insane obviously. But that's why I like anonymity.

Also noteworthy, I have not had a soda of ANY kind in over 2 weeks.....at over 200 calories, the few that I drank save me a POUND a week.....

I'm gonna click pot now before I go back and delete......seeing those pictures I am REALLY glad that my husband loves me no matter what...