emotional eating....and pass the Doritos...

You know what I'm talking about, don't ya? Crappy day, everything weighing on you (no pun intended) and you're looking for a little bit of happiness....Sometimes, your emotions will convince you that you'll find that happiness at the bottom of an empty bag of Doritos.....

Not true. But it's more common than we realize. Ever been angry or upset one minute and then on your couch eating the next, unable to remember why you started eating or how long you had spent munching? If so, then you have entered the world of emotional eating.

Emotional eating at its best passes after a few minutes. At its worst, it can take over your life and cause you to eat uncontrollably for extended periods of time. And according to nutritional experts, 75% of overeating is caused by emotions. So don't worry, if you suffer from emotional eating, you are not alone.

I've had some stress this weekend...probably the same crap that happens in your house. Fighting kids, husband working late, no one emptied the dishwasher, my jeans won't zip......the list is truly endless....While I was pacing in my kitchen, after unloading the stupid dishwasher, I found myself just opening up cabinets and seeing what was there...

I was about to engage in emotional eating...BIG TIME...Because you know what I found? Doritos....they are my Kryptonite. Just popping open that bag and smelling that processed, chemical-laden fake cheese smell makes my mouth water (seriously, I'm drooling while typing this, 2 days after it happened......sheesh!)

But my health angel that lives in my head was SCREAMING, "Don't do it, CHW!!" So I resisted. It felt good resisting. But I am so weak that I had to take those damn Doritos out to the big stinky trashcan so I wouldn't be tempted again....

What's your trigger....? Anything is my trigger. Traffic...? Pull into Wendy's for some fries. Husband working late? Ice Cream while watching DVR'ed "Grey's Anatomy"....Kids arguing..? Just eat anything to make it stop.

But then at the end of that, I feel like puking. Really. Then I get a headache and ponder why I sabotage my efforts. This weekend, I resisted. But let's face it: I am weak. And often pathetic. I knew that it was only a matter of time before I buckle, so I gave myself an "out". Offering myself an alternative, like that Breyer's Fat Free Chocolate Brownie ice cream. It's 110 for 1/2 cup. I can make a 1/2 cup serving last a LONG damn time. So I decided I'm going to allow myself to have one ice cream nice each week...and you know what happened? When I gave myself permission, it lost its allure.

I am a woman. And I am a walking emotion....This is true.
Doritos are evil, this is also true.....well, that's not true. I'm just weak.

Also, the "experts" say that when you're struck with a craving or an emotional-eating crisis, that you should drink a glass of water. Really.....? I do that anyway, but nothing will remove the Doritos jones with an ice cream chaser........

Bee the change

A gym-rat friend gave me a card that says "Bee the change you want to see in the world".
I know she meant well and she's scary perky sweet (if you know the type, 0% body fat, perfect teeth, flawless skin....) but I was consumed with jealousy.....I admit it, here with the protection of anonymity. I was jealous that she thought she was better than me.

I indulged the ugly side of myself. And I immediately felt bad. Here she was, reaching out and being supportive, and I was suspicious. For no good reason.....

So I learned a lesson, and I truly feel like God put that in my heart.
I will no longer indulge the catty, bitchy, suspicious side that defeats me.
I will not. I will let it go. I will trust. I will believe.
I believe in myself. I believe my health is worth this effort.
I will trust myself, to make good choices in life (and in food).
I WILL.....be the change I want to see.

(ok, sap alert over...back to your regular programming.....)

#42

It's my 42nd post on this blog.
This is only meaningful because I am still here alone. No real readers, comments. It's just me and my insane whining...
My mom used to tell me that character is what you do when no one is look. I suppose I could change that to "accountability is what you do when no one is reading...."
Nonetheless, I soldier on. You know why? Because whether you read or not, I'm still doing this. With or without you, I'm here.

So it's early Saturday morning, the Husband had to work out of town so my sleep is outta whack. Amazingly, I slept well last night but had weird dreams. So I'm up early. Researching stuff for fitness routines. Wowie zowie....I have a lot to learn.

First thing I did this morning when I got up was DRINK MY WATER. I tend to grab a cup of tea and read the news online. But I need to step up my water, so I'm keeping a checklist today :)
I'm going to consistently hit my WATER GOAL for the next week. I've been so lax about it. No more excuses means NO MORE EXCUSES. Plus I'm extra motivated because I have an Official Weigh-In AND my measurements. crap!!!!! I'm more nervous about that stupid measuring tape than about anything. I looked at my measurements from before and I just wanted to barf. And I know that they are not much different, and I'm going to end up very depressed. My trainer, bless his little muscular heart, keeps telling me, "You're stronger...I see muscles." Yeah, whatever...

But you know what I wanna see? I'll admit it, I'm vain. I want to see a smaller freaking number on that scale. I want to look amazing. I want my husband to be thrilled to seen with me....that, and I want to be healthy. Truthfully, my improved health is my main goal. But damn it all if that hotness wouldn't make things much better.....

Oh you know what else....? I bought some weights for home. Little adorable 10# weights so while I'm standing in front of my TV, watching sitcoms, I'm going to go through the routines that my Trainer showed me. Plus I'm doing 50 push-ups EACH DAY, I can't do them all at the same time. I break them up into 10's....but I am trying to do them every day. In all of my reading says a simple well-done push-up works your ENTIRE core. Plus I increase the difficulty by holding my abs really tight. VERY hard. But I'm on a mission for my health (and any hotness that I can grab..)

no excuses

I didn't do my weigh-in yet....you know why...? Because I was stupid and ate CHINESE FOOD last night.... we were celebrating one of my kids' accomplishments. Any excuses to eat food I'm not supposed to....And now the husband is out of town and I'm home alone....with the contents of my fridge...luckily, he ate ALL of the Girl Scout cookies. I'm proud of the fact that out of 3 boxes, I only ate 5 cookies total. We'll not discuss the fact that while those cookies were in my freezer, I had almost nightly semi-erotic dreams of cookies in general. It's obvious that I cannot be trusted around snack items like those....

But I'm staying strong (except for last night's Chinese indiscretion...)....I'm going to be good. AND I'm going to do my weigh-in, like I promised.

I didn't get to run last night...because of the previously mentioned celebration. But tonight...? Game on.

I have a grueling work schedule today. I'll be very busy and will have a hard time carving out my work-out time. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to do a home workout. The kind where you don't need equipment. Just 20 minutes and some floor space. I got the workout from that website that I like so much:Badass Fitness (I'll be doing T-pushups..yikes!)

I was so inspired by her site that I finally broke down and bought my very own 10# weights to use at home. I have the 3# already. I'm going to amass my own little home gym so that when we move, I can work out when *I* have time....no excuses....

wow...a step back

it's been almost 3 weeks since I've posted.
I feel like I'm talking to myself, but I'm good with that.
But the keeping it a secret has been TOUGH.

I've still been working out, trying to eat healthy, and staying the course.
I feel strong but not losing the weight I want to lose.
I still weigh the same as I did when I did the weigh in....damn it.

So I'm trying something completely different.
In addition to my weight and strength training, I'm going to run every night.
Which terrifies me. All of my fat giggling and bouncing....Not what I want to do, but I gotta shake things up!! This is a big deal because it will mean double the workout, plus it will mean taking time away from my family. I am willing to be a little selfish for my own health. Do you know any women, probably your own momma, who puts herself last? Yeah, me too.
Well, that putting myself last is keeping me unhealthy. So no more.

Me first. Gotta make others stand on their own two feet. Don't just SAY you're supportive. Show it by emptying this dishwasher and fixing your own snacks/meals so I can concentrate on me for a bit. (Can you tell it's also THAT time of the month...? Yep I'm a little emotional/bitchy/demanding....)

I made some decisions in these past 3 weeks.
Gained some perspective.
I stepped back, and now I'm stepping back in with both feet.
Watch out, fat. You ain't gonna last against this determination. Just you wait and see.
As soon as I get back from the gym, I'll weigh in so I can track this better. Plus my trainer is going to do my Body Fat today. Yippee.

(I'm also going to have to tell my husband. Finding time to update this in secret is impossible. Plus I really don't like hiding stuff from him....)

damn cookies....

I finally cracked open the Girl Scout cookies....
DAMN IT!!
(I ate 6 of them...at 40 calories a piece..)

I'm still at it with the exercise.
I've gained 4# of muscle....but haven't lost a single f'ing pound of fat! NOT ONE!!

Frustrated doesn't even begin to cover it. But I'll stay the course....

I have a stressful weekend. I'm hoping NOT to eat through my stress. I am very tempted to take those cookies out and burn them....

turning a corner...

I took the weekend off. I hung out with some friends.
We ate like pigs, slept late, had some shopping time and ate some more...
I even went to one of my favorite Italian chains and ate an entire basket of bread....It was sooooo tasty. But as I was eating it, I was mentally calculating how much treadmill/elliptical time I would have to do....

But still, I ate it....

and it felt gooooooood. I did NOT drink any alcohol though :)

That being said, I took two whole days off of my workout routine. As a result, I missed it. I mean I MISSED IT. As in, I'm walking around the stores, looking at clothes that I couldn't fit into, and was thinking, "I should be in the gym..."

So I was back in the gym yesterday and today....and I felt much better sweating than I did shopping. Seriously.

And you know what's even better than a weekend off?
Coming home to your husband who missed you :) ----he even told me that he could tell that I was losing weight, especially in my face :-)--and that wasn't even getting-lucky-flattery!

Am I losing weight? I don't think so. But I am so much stronger now that I was before...
I would REALLY like to see my flabby belly just disappear. Like completely. And instantly.
But you know that ain't gonna happen....Permanent changes require, demand, lifestyle changes. And that's what I'm doing. I'm changing how I think, how I eat (this weekend not withstanding...) and how I exercise....

So mentally, I feel like I've turned a corner. I feel like I'm stronger, both physically and mentally. I wanted to see a number shift on that scale this week. My trainer is going to measure me next week. I'm nervous about that. But today, he made my day. I raised my flouncy t-shirt that I use to hide my fat from public viewing (as if that damn shirt will convince ANYONE that I am not the Chubster that I am...Ha!) well, I lifted my shirt and showed him how I "felt" skinnier and he gasped and said, "YOU ARE!" I could tell he was surprised. That made me feel good, because he saw me the very first time I came into the gym, soft as a marshmallow and wincing from lifting my own fat arms. Seriously! The first session included doing flies with just my arms, no weights, and I was SO sore the following day. From lifting my own fat arms. Now? I can do so much more! Plus my arms are toning up!! (It's REALLY hard to admit that....)

My goals are the same: to be healthier. Skinnier would be nice, but not the end goal. But it wouldn't be awful if I ended up looking like that Hot Wife that other women just hate :)
You ladies know what I'm talking about....

Now, I'm thinking about going to the gym again tonight....but I can't, it's "Biggest Loser" night in our house, which we watch as a family. Every week, I am inspired by these people. They're REAL and I love that show. I am so lucky that my husband will watch it with me.

Tomorrow: extended cardio AND my own personal weigh-in. Maybe I'll do another photo. The visual really speaks to me. Usually it says "Eeeewwww gross." But I'm trying to look at how much I'm CHANGING.....(I hate the word "change" now since it was hijacked...but don't get me started!)